I have not written in a long time because I think subconsciously I thought that I did not have anything to write about. Sure, I went through a lot of changes since I last wrote. I switched jobs, went through a tumultuous summer to say the least, moved apartments, flew home, and have been trying to build my life with all these new circumstances. However, the fact is that deep inside, I was going through my all too familiar state of self doubt in the decisions I have made up until this point.
I have written quite a bit about decisions and how the slightest of choices we make during the day can drastically change the path our lives take. The topic of decisions is familiar to me seeing that I have made a number of very big and very fast decisions in my life, more specifically in the past nearly 5 years since moving to Israel. However I am also aware that I often make decisions too quickly and do not always fully take into account all of the possible consequences or outcomes. It is frankly impossible to take into account every single possible outcome because no matter what decision I make, I am still headed into uncharted territory for me. However prepared we may think we are to make a decision, we will always make partially blind choices because it is impossible to be fully prepared for something new. The
Here lies the inner turmoil I experience after every single decision I make. The internal questioning that makes me feel as though writing about decisions and life paths makes me somewhat of a hypocrite, because I myself begin to feel as though I have made a poor decision and chosen the wrong path. Here's what I have learned from my inner struggle: there is no such thing as a wrong decision, only a decision made. And whatever decision was made, there was a justified reason, which will lead to a potentially unexpected outcome. For example, had I not continued my service, I would not have met the people I have met and would not have made the lifetime friends I have made. Also, I would be studying something interesting at school, but would probably be dissatisfied because I would have also rushed into the decision of what to study. Granted I will start school much later than originally anticipated, but at least I will know what I want to be and how to go about doing so.
The fact of the matter is, I did have something to write about, but I believe I felt ashamed to write it. I felt ashamed that I was questioning myself and my choices. I felt ashamed of the behavior this questioning resulted in. I felt ashamed of the regression I was going through. I felt ashamed of the emotional vulnerability I was suddenly experiencing.
Well, it's a shame to feel ashamed, and a waste of time.